‘Scars’ (Part II). How to deal with existing ‘Emotional Scars’
By Dr. Moshe Zloof
Last week’s advice dealt with: how to avoid inflicting new ‘Emotional Scars’ on loved ones and friends (By preemptively thinking about them before a serious discussion—see advice for April 15)
The question now arises: how to deal with existing scars that accumulated in your system throughout the years, eroding some of the love and respect you had for each other, because whenever they surface in your mind, they cause resentment, anger and perhaps bitterness.
Although it is true that Emotional Scars cannot be erased, you can reduce their effect with the proper attitude, willingness, and training, and regain some of the strong relationship and feelings you initially had for each other.
First I define a new term: “Positive Imprints,” the antonym of Emotional Scars. Couples normally leave ‘Positive imprints’ at the beginning of relationship like: you are the most confident guy I have ever encountered, or you are the smartest woman I have ever dated.
Advice I
“Mental Shield’: by creating a “mental shield” around your space of consciousness, you can deflect memories of scars that try to invade your awareness and replace them with ‘positive imprints’ from your past, perhaps when you were first dating.
[In MindVisualizer we train people to use a “visual shield” to let one deflect scars and ANTs (automatic negative thoughts); it has been very effective for many.]
Advice II
If, in spite of the shield, a memory of a scar or a grudge still invades your awareness, try to mitigate its damage by finding a justification or explanation: ‘My wife was so worried about me being unemployed that she called me a lazy bum, believing it will help me be more serious about looking for a job, or I held a grudge against someone and I now realize that I was at fault!
In summary, by deflecting or reinterpreting scars that accumulated over the course of many years, you can, in time, patiently restore the positive feelings you used to have towards your spouse; and who knows, you may even find yourself in love again!!
The above short article is part of the MindVisualizer model. In the model we show how these concepts are depicted graphically, so you can remember and apply to your daily life.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
From the Desk of Dr. Moshe Zloof - April 15, 2009
Be careful when you inflict permanent “Scars” on loved ones and friends
By Dr. Moshe Zloof
It is a well known statistics that the number one factor for divorcing couples are the ‘emotional Scars’ they inflict on each other. Many times in the heat of an argument, that develops into a nasty fight,20it become a ‘contest’ who can hurt the other the most, and they use statements that have been “hovering” around their space of consciousness ready to be spilled out on the other person such as “you are a lazy bum, and will never get a new job’ or, ‘you are the worst mother that I have ever seen’.
It is important to note that the person who inflict the “scar” easily forgets what he/ she said, because after all they are not the scarred ones, but the spouse who was inflicted, never forgets it no matter how many times the other party apologizes, and it stays in their system=2 0as a ‘wound’ becoming part of their ANTs (Automatic negative thoughts), cycling in their mind and crop out to the surface whenever they feel down or depressed.
We as parents are often also to blame for many “Scars” we uninten tionally inflict on our children, thinking it will teach them a lesson, but in fact the effect is the opposite. If you tell a child “you will never make it because you are lazy” thinking that he is going to change his habits. This statement will most likely follow him/her the rest of their adult life.
Advice
Prior to approaching your spouse or your children for a serious talk that may evolve into a nasty argument or a fight, make a list in your mind of the statements that are hovering over your space of consciousness tempted to be spilled out in the heat of an argument, and be aware of their irrevocable damage they may cause. Recite them and swear to yourself that you will not use them even if your spouse inflict on you worst malicious statements. This way you will be the leader in taking the initiative to show restraint and in time they will rec iprocate by applying similar restraint.
With children both parents must be extra careful because the child’s mind is still under development and the damage can be imprinted deep into their brain. Try not to say anything negative and demeaning because statistics show that negative approach of put downs never work, but rather try encouraging empowering language.
The above article is part of The Preemptive Principle of the MindVisulizer Model.
By Dr. Moshe Zloof
It is a well known statistics that the number one factor for divorcing couples are the ‘emotional Scars’ they inflict on each other. Many times in the heat of an argument, that develops into a nasty fight,20it become a ‘contest’ who can hurt the other the most, and they use statements that have been “hovering” around their space of consciousness ready to be spilled out on the other person such as “you are a lazy bum, and will never get a new job’ or, ‘you are the worst mother that I have ever seen’.
It is important to note that the person who inflict the “scar” easily forgets what he/ she said, because after all they are not the scarred ones, but the spouse who was inflicted, never forgets it no matter how many times the other party apologizes, and it stays in their system=2 0as a ‘wound’ becoming part of their ANTs (Automatic negative thoughts), cycling in their mind and crop out to the surface whenever they feel down or depressed.
We as parents are often also to blame for many “Scars” we uninten tionally inflict on our children, thinking it will teach them a lesson, but in fact the effect is the opposite. If you tell a child “you will never make it because you are lazy” thinking that he is going to change his habits. This statement will most likely follow him/her the rest of their adult life.
Advice
Prior to approaching your spouse or your children for a serious talk that may evolve into a nasty argument or a fight, make a list in your mind of the statements that are hovering over your space of consciousness tempted to be spilled out in the heat of an argument, and be aware of their irrevocable damage they may cause. Recite them and swear to yourself that you will not use them even if your spouse inflict on you worst malicious statements. This way you will be the leader in taking the initiative to show restraint and in time they will rec iprocate by applying similar restraint.
With children both parents must be extra careful because the child’s mind is still under development and the damage can be imprinted deep into their brain. Try not to say anything negative and demeaning because statistics show that negative approach of put downs never work, but rather try encouraging empowering language.
The above article is part of The Preemptive Principle of the MindVisulizer Model.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
From the desk of Dr. Moshe Zloof: Advice of the week-- April 8, 09)
Spreading rumors by prematurely "connecting the dots" - By Dr. Moshe Zloof
Images are not always what they seem, so if you jump to conclusions in error and start discussing them, you may be spreading false rumors. Example: A man with dark glasses, a dog and a stick approaches you. As your eyes take in the details, your brain "connects the dots" and you draw the conclusion that the man must be blind. Iimmediately, empathy and emotions relating to the blind are evoked. Upon second look, however, you are amazed to discover that the man is not blind, but rather a dog walker enjoying a sunny day. The stick you mistook for a cane is really a pooper scooper. How could you make such a mistake!
Our brains are wired to "connect the dots" by comparing new scenes or images to something familiar in our memory bank. We try to make sense of our current surroundings through past experiences. Our emotional perspective also factors into how we connect the dots.
Example: You spy a married, middle-aged woman kissing a younger man outside of a hotel. You realize that you know her and happen to dislike her based on a past encounters. Your negative emotions for her, combined with the kiss you witnessed and the location leads your brain to wrongly connect the dots and conclude that this woman is having an affair. But you are wrong! In fact, the young man happens to be her son, not her lover!
Although you may be very certain about what you have seen, your interpretation may be inaccurate based on you past experiences or negative emotions. The above examples demonstrate how rumors can be fabricated in error and spread, potentially causing irrevocable harm.
Advice: When you only have partial data at your disposal, don't let your brain play tricks on you and wrongly connect the dots. Avoid drawing conclusions, especially when you are biased against someone. And, even if you do draw the wrong conclusion, keep it to yourself and don't spread it around until you are 100% sure of all of the facts. This happens a lot when people draw premature conclusions: on a blind date after a bad previous date experiences, or even something your spouse did that you took the wrong way and consequently started a fight.
This weekly ADVICE is part of the MindVisualizer TM program. MindVisualizer TM advice is represented by a visual picture so you can better remember.
Images are not always what they seem, so if you jump to conclusions in error and start discussing them, you may be spreading false rumors. Example: A man with dark glasses, a dog and a stick approaches you. As your eyes take in the details, your brain "connects the dots" and you draw the conclusion that the man must be blind. Iimmediately, empathy and emotions relating to the blind are evoked. Upon second look, however, you are amazed to discover that the man is not blind, but rather a dog walker enjoying a sunny day. The stick you mistook for a cane is really a pooper scooper. How could you make such a mistake!
Our brains are wired to "connect the dots" by comparing new scenes or images to something familiar in our memory bank. We try to make sense of our current surroundings through past experiences. Our emotional perspective also factors into how we connect the dots.
Example: You spy a married, middle-aged woman kissing a younger man outside of a hotel. You realize that you know her and happen to dislike her based on a past encounters. Your negative emotions for her, combined with the kiss you witnessed and the location leads your brain to wrongly connect the dots and conclude that this woman is having an affair. But you are wrong! In fact, the young man happens to be her son, not her lover!
Although you may be very certain about what you have seen, your interpretation may be inaccurate based on you past experiences or negative emotions. The above examples demonstrate how rumors can be fabricated in error and spread, potentially causing irrevocable harm.
Advice: When you only have partial data at your disposal, don't let your brain play tricks on you and wrongly connect the dots. Avoid drawing conclusions, especially when you are biased against someone. And, even if you do draw the wrong conclusion, keep it to yourself and don't spread it around until you are 100% sure of all of the facts. This happens a lot when people draw premature conclusions: on a blind date after a bad previous date experiences, or even something your spouse did that you took the wrong way and consequently started a fight.
This weekly ADVICE is part of the MindVisualizer TM program. MindVisualizer TM advice is represented by a visual picture so you can better remember.
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