From the desk of Dr. Moshe Zloof: Advice of the week-- July 22, 2009

Control, Anxieties, and Depression

By Dr. Moshe Zloof

Our emotions, behavior and actions are determined, in part, by the balance between myriad internal chemicals and hormones (20,000 of them) released into our system, together with the ingestion, if any, of external medications and drugs.

An experiment with rats conducted at Stanford University determined the effect of feeling in control of one’s existence.

Phase I: When a rat figured out that each time a red light comes on it can press a button to avoid an electric shock, the ‘Happy Chemical’ dopamine was released, indicating that the rat was content and enjoying itself (i.e. “in control”).

Phase II: The experiment was modified whereby when the button was pressed, an electric shock occurred at random occasions. As the rat realized that pressing the button was not a guaranteed way to avert the electric shock, the dopamine level began to drop. The adrenaline and cortisol levels started to increase simultaneously, indicative of the frustration and anxiety of the rat as it tried various methods to avoid the shock, to no avail.

Phase III: Eventually, the rat gave up trying and switched into a depression.

If we expand the analogy to humans: most people who love their jobs do so partly because they have independence and control over what they do. Once that independence is taken away from them—maybe reporting to a micro-manager who never expresses praise or approval—they then shift into Phase II, developing frustration and anxieties as they make an effort to satisfy the new manager’s whims. Phase III: Once they feel it is all irrelevant, most become lethargic as their dopamine and serotonin get depleted—lack of serotonin may result in constant fear; eventually they burn out and depression may take over.

Advice

· Try, where possible, to get a job you enjoy, even if it means lower salary compensation.
· Be prepared to switch jobs in case work conditions become unbearable. In other words, try to be marketable and mentally ready to move on.
· Involve yourself in activities that put you in control: mental ones like hobbies (art, rebuild your antique car, research something) and physical ones like, running and tennis.
· Don’t get frustrated and substitute your lack of control at work by trying to control family members—your spouse or your children—by constantly arguing and telling them what to do.


Parenting example: Sometimes when a parent is insecure, the only control she/he has is over the young children. When the children become adolescents and start wanting some independence—which is a positive step to adulthood—instead of welcoming such development, the parent rebels against, unconsciously feeling loss of control. When making a decision as a parent, always ask yourself, “Is it really for the child’s benefit not to let go.”

From a reader

Moshe,

thanks for your weekly advice column. I enjoy reading them, since most of them help to see small and large problems in a clearer, isolated and well defined focus. This allows me to concentrate on implementing relatively simple solutions.

Keep it coming!

From a reader

Hi Moshe:

Good advice! In others words, understand where your client/friend is. Be able to be with them in their sorrow/need and turn it into a positive experience. We all need support from family and friends. When the other person is looking for is sympathy, understanding, and to be heard.
The best thing that you can possibly do for them is to listen to them and pray! Prayer changes everything

From the desk of Dr. Moshe Zloof: Advice of the week-- July 15, 2009

If you are always right something is wrong

By Dr. Moshe Zloof

Have you ever wondered why some people who experience traumatic incidents like a serious accident, have no recollection of that event and sometimes even develop mild amnesia? The reason for this phenomenon, is that the brain has an internal protective mechanism blocking these nightmarish memories from reaching your consciousness until the time when the person is ready emotionally to deal with the situation, otherwise he/she may sink into a deep depression with perhaps some suicidal thoughts.

Denial: To a lesser degree when a person is insecure, feels guilty about past memories, has low self esteem, and believes he is a failure, the unconscious mind again creates a shield of denial to protect the person from sinking into further anxieties and depression. This person therefore tries to be ‘always right’; always pointing fingers at others for his/her mi stakes and becomes difficult to live and communicate with.
‘Chronic denial’ leads to being right all the time, even for trivial issues, like an acquaintance I know that tries to argue the color red is superior over all other colors.

Advice:
If you encounter such a person being your spouse, a son a daughter, or a colleague at work don’t try to argue with no avail, but instead try to raise their self esteem and confidence level by praising and complimenting them when they do something right. However therapy may be needed for severe cases.

For the person who is always right: If you happen to be the person who is always right, trying to always defend your territory, ask yourself does your argument have a real logical merit or is it that you must be right at any cost. One technique we use in workshops is to prepare the person to admit that he is wrong on trivial issues, reciting the sentence: 'yes you are right', 'yes you are right', and eventually one will realize that people are going to be friendlier to them.

From the desk of Dr. Moshe Zloof: Advice of the week-- July 8, 2009

When You Friend
Needs Your Emotional Support
By Dr. Moshe Zloof

We all have many acquaintances, but only a handful of friends with whom we feel comfortable enough to vent our problems. And even with the diminished number with whom we interact closely , most of us seem to have lost empathy and become less sensitive to feel the plight of friends when they are in a crisis and need our emotional support. The reasons, whether it is the fast-paced life style or stressful work conditions, are immaterial. What does matter is the ability to relate to one another.
I am writing this short article due to the numerous occasions I have observed people make untactful blunders (including myself) when friends air some of their problems as they seek emotional support.

Advice

I will illustrate this is through examples of untactful behavior, countered with an alternative more considerate response.

Example 1:
Bob: My doctor informed me I may have a brain tumor, in which case I will need brain surgery. I am waiting for results of an MRI and I’m very worried.
Untactful answer: Don’t worry; I just had a hernia operation and it was very successful.
Comments: The reason it is untactful is that the two medical conditions/surgeries are not in the same level of severity; one cannot possibly equate a brain tumor-especially when it is not known whether it is cancerous- to a hernia.

Tactful answer: Sorry to hear that. I hope the tumor turns out to be benign; a friend of mine had a similar situation 3 years ago, he was operated on and he is back to normal.
Comments: Here the given answer is on the same level of severity, introducing a positive attitude to somewhat reducing worry. It doesn’t matter whether example cited is real or imaginary, as long as it gives Bob some degree of comfort.

Example 2:
Bob: Due to the down turn in the economy my company is laying off many employees, and I am very worried I may be next.
Untactful answer from Tom: My Company is in a good shape; in fact I may get a large bonus this year.
Comments: Here instead of consoling his friend, Tom is bragging about himself. Will Bob ever turn to Tom for solace and encouragement again?
When a friend behaves with insensitivity and empathy towards you, eventually your unconscious mind will reject him/her from the list of friends that you may want to turn to when in need of a shoulder to lean on.
A summary of insightful and considerate behavior:

Do’s:
1. Show some empathy.
2. Give some examples on the same level of severity (real or imaginary) to mitigate their worries.
3. Show them that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.
4. Try to argue that the negative situation they are currently in may turn out to be a blessing in disguise.

Don’t’s:
1. Don’t try to switch the focus from your friend’s needs to your successes.
2. Don’t try to teach your friend your ‘lessons’ when they are in the middle of a crisis, unless they are part of a solution.

Comment from a reader of the "Advice..." Column

Hi Moshe,

You struck a particularly tender nerve with this one, and gave some extraordinarily good advice. I've been dealing with a particular anger issue for a number of years; I think I'll try your advice and picture my ____ as a different person (....); certainly I am a different person.
thanks,

From the desk of Dr. Moshe Zloof: Advice of the week-- July 1, 2009

Who Are You When You Arrive at the Pearly Gates?

By Dr. Moshe Zloof

Most people at least once contemplate on what heaven and hell look like, but very few consider at what stage of their life will they arrive there. Is it the spoiled teenager, the macho young adult, the middle-aged caring parent, or the elderly person with dementia? Is the sickly person with dementia accountable for blunders and transgressions committed as a teenager or as an adult? I shall leave the answers to these questions to the theologians.

What I can do is to project the answers onto daily life here, emphasizing that people change significantly at various stages of their life, not only in appearance but also emotionally, spiritually and cognitively (thought, behavior and action). Once you are fully aware of that fact- which many people miss- life can be more enjoyable, since it is easier to deal with Anger, Hate, Guilt, and Forgiveness, thus “Detoxifying the mind from unnecessary Poisonous elements.”

Advice:

Reducing Anger and Hate

• Old anger: if you, like many of us, have been angry and holding grudges for many years, be it at a parent who favored your siblings, or at your children when they were young and got into trouble, or at your spouse for emotionally “scarring” you, then just realize that the person you are holding the grudge against does not “exist” anymore. He/she is now a different person, making it easier to erase the anger, or at the very least reduce it’s effect on you. Personally, for many years I was angry at my father for being too controlling as I was growing up, until I saw him frail and helpless after a heart attack. Many are still angry at their deceased parents, not realizing that they are only extending the hurt and bitterness to themselves. One must be a real masochist to do so!!
• New anger at old events: Often because you have changed, you may start to build new anger for events that took place a while back: a wife may realize that there was no reason for her to be subservient to a controlling husband, as she was weak at the time, thus building new resentment towards him. Here again, she has to realize that the husband that she is developing the new anger against is not the ‘same’ person who behaved negatively a while back. Maybe she should have been more assertive.
  
  Reducing Guilt
  
  Most guilt stems from the fact that you are angry at yourself for mistreating someone, cheating, or making “the wrong” decision and acting accordingly.
  
  Here, I suggest looking at a photograph of yourself at the time of the event that caused the guilt, then look into a mirror now. You will appreciate that you have changed and should not feel guilty and angry at yourself anymore.
  
  Forgiveness
  
  If you apply all the above points it becomes much easier to forgive yourself and others, relieving your mind from unnecessary poisonous elements that can prevent you from enjoying life to the fullest!