From the desk of Dr. Moshe Zloof: Advice of the week-- July 1, 2009

Who Are You When You Arrive at the Pearly Gates?

By Dr. Moshe Zloof

Most people at least once contemplate on what heaven and hell look like, but very few consider at what stage of their life will they arrive there. Is it the spoiled teenager, the macho young adult, the middle-aged caring parent, or the elderly person with dementia? Is the sickly person with dementia accountable for blunders and transgressions committed as a teenager or as an adult? I shall leave the answers to these questions to the theologians.

What I can do is to project the answers onto daily life here, emphasizing that people change significantly at various stages of their life, not only in appearance but also emotionally, spiritually and cognitively (thought, behavior and action). Once you are fully aware of that fact- which many people miss- life can be more enjoyable, since it is easier to deal with Anger, Hate, Guilt, and Forgiveness, thus “Detoxifying the mind from unnecessary Poisonous elements.”

Advice:

Reducing Anger and Hate

• Old anger: if you, like many of us, have been angry and holding grudges for many years, be it at a parent who favored your siblings, or at your children when they were young and got into trouble, or at your spouse for emotionally “scarring” you, then just realize that the person you are holding the grudge against does not “exist” anymore. He/she is now a different person, making it easier to erase the anger, or at the very least reduce it’s effect on you. Personally, for many years I was angry at my father for being too controlling as I was growing up, until I saw him frail and helpless after a heart attack. Many are still angry at their deceased parents, not realizing that they are only extending the hurt and bitterness to themselves. One must be a real masochist to do so!!
• New anger at old events: Often because you have changed, you may start to build new anger for events that took place a while back: a wife may realize that there was no reason for her to be subservient to a controlling husband, as she was weak at the time, thus building new resentment towards him. Here again, she has to realize that the husband that she is developing the new anger against is not the ‘same’ person who behaved negatively a while back. Maybe she should have been more assertive.
  
  Reducing Guilt
  
  Most guilt stems from the fact that you are angry at yourself for mistreating someone, cheating, or making “the wrong” decision and acting accordingly.
  
  Here, I suggest looking at a photograph of yourself at the time of the event that caused the guilt, then look into a mirror now. You will appreciate that you have changed and should not feel guilty and angry at yourself anymore.
  
  Forgiveness
  
  If you apply all the above points it becomes much easier to forgive yourself and others, relieving your mind from unnecessary poisonous elements that can prevent you from enjoying life to the fullest!