From the desk of Dr. Moshe Zloof: Advice of the week-- July 22, 2009

Control, Anxieties, and Depression

By Dr. Moshe Zloof

Our emotions, behavior and actions are determined, in part, by the balance between myriad internal chemicals and hormones (20,000 of them) released into our system, together with the ingestion, if any, of external medications and drugs.

An experiment with rats conducted at Stanford University determined the effect of feeling in control of one’s existence.

Phase I: When a rat figured out that each time a red light comes on it can press a button to avoid an electric shock, the ‘Happy Chemical’ dopamine was released, indicating that the rat was content and enjoying itself (i.e. “in control”).

Phase II: The experiment was modified whereby when the button was pressed, an electric shock occurred at random occasions. As the rat realized that pressing the button was not a guaranteed way to avert the electric shock, the dopamine level began to drop. The adrenaline and cortisol levels started to increase simultaneously, indicative of the frustration and anxiety of the rat as it tried various methods to avoid the shock, to no avail.

Phase III: Eventually, the rat gave up trying and switched into a depression.

If we expand the analogy to humans: most people who love their jobs do so partly because they have independence and control over what they do. Once that independence is taken away from them—maybe reporting to a micro-manager who never expresses praise or approval—they then shift into Phase II, developing frustration and anxieties as they make an effort to satisfy the new manager’s whims. Phase III: Once they feel it is all irrelevant, most become lethargic as their dopamine and serotonin get depleted—lack of serotonin may result in constant fear; eventually they burn out and depression may take over.

Advice

· Try, where possible, to get a job you enjoy, even if it means lower salary compensation.
· Be prepared to switch jobs in case work conditions become unbearable. In other words, try to be marketable and mentally ready to move on.
· Involve yourself in activities that put you in control: mental ones like hobbies (art, rebuild your antique car, research something) and physical ones like, running and tennis.
· Don’t get frustrated and substitute your lack of control at work by trying to control family members—your spouse or your children—by constantly arguing and telling them what to do.


Parenting example: Sometimes when a parent is insecure, the only control she/he has is over the young children. When the children become adolescents and start wanting some independence—which is a positive step to adulthood—instead of welcoming such development, the parent rebels against, unconsciously feeling loss of control. When making a decision as a parent, always ask yourself, “Is it really for the child’s benefit not to let go.”

From a reader

Moshe,

thanks for your weekly advice column. I enjoy reading them, since most of them help to see small and large problems in a clearer, isolated and well defined focus. This allows me to concentrate on implementing relatively simple solutions.

Keep it coming!

From a reader

Hi Moshe:

Good advice! In others words, understand where your client/friend is. Be able to be with them in their sorrow/need and turn it into a positive experience. We all need support from family and friends. When the other person is looking for is sympathy, understanding, and to be heard.
The best thing that you can possibly do for them is to listen to them and pray! Prayer changes everything

From the desk of Dr. Moshe Zloof: Advice of the week-- July 15, 2009

If you are always right something is wrong

By Dr. Moshe Zloof

Have you ever wondered why some people who experience traumatic incidents like a serious accident, have no recollection of that event and sometimes even develop mild amnesia? The reason for this phenomenon, is that the brain has an internal protective mechanism blocking these nightmarish memories from reaching your consciousness until the time when the person is ready emotionally to deal with the situation, otherwise he/she may sink into a deep depression with perhaps some suicidal thoughts.

Denial: To a lesser degree when a person is insecure, feels guilty about past memories, has low self esteem, and believes he is a failure, the unconscious mind again creates a shield of denial to protect the person from sinking into further anxieties and depression. This person therefore tries to be ‘always right’; always pointing fingers at others for his/her mi stakes and becomes difficult to live and communicate with.
‘Chronic denial’ leads to being right all the time, even for trivial issues, like an acquaintance I know that tries to argue the color red is superior over all other colors.

Advice:
If you encounter such a person being your spouse, a son a daughter, or a colleague at work don’t try to argue with no avail, but instead try to raise their self esteem and confidence level by praising and complimenting them when they do something right. However therapy may be needed for severe cases.

For the person who is always right: If you happen to be the person who is always right, trying to always defend your territory, ask yourself does your argument have a real logical merit or is it that you must be right at any cost. One technique we use in workshops is to prepare the person to admit that he is wrong on trivial issues, reciting the sentence: 'yes you are right', 'yes you are right', and eventually one will realize that people are going to be friendlier to them.

From the desk of Dr. Moshe Zloof: Advice of the week-- July 8, 2009

When You Friend
Needs Your Emotional Support
By Dr. Moshe Zloof

We all have many acquaintances, but only a handful of friends with whom we feel comfortable enough to vent our problems. And even with the diminished number with whom we interact closely , most of us seem to have lost empathy and become less sensitive to feel the plight of friends when they are in a crisis and need our emotional support. The reasons, whether it is the fast-paced life style or stressful work conditions, are immaterial. What does matter is the ability to relate to one another.
I am writing this short article due to the numerous occasions I have observed people make untactful blunders (including myself) when friends air some of their problems as they seek emotional support.

Advice

I will illustrate this is through examples of untactful behavior, countered with an alternative more considerate response.

Example 1:
Bob: My doctor informed me I may have a brain tumor, in which case I will need brain surgery. I am waiting for results of an MRI and I’m very worried.
Untactful answer: Don’t worry; I just had a hernia operation and it was very successful.
Comments: The reason it is untactful is that the two medical conditions/surgeries are not in the same level of severity; one cannot possibly equate a brain tumor-especially when it is not known whether it is cancerous- to a hernia.

Tactful answer: Sorry to hear that. I hope the tumor turns out to be benign; a friend of mine had a similar situation 3 years ago, he was operated on and he is back to normal.
Comments: Here the given answer is on the same level of severity, introducing a positive attitude to somewhat reducing worry. It doesn’t matter whether example cited is real or imaginary, as long as it gives Bob some degree of comfort.

Example 2:
Bob: Due to the down turn in the economy my company is laying off many employees, and I am very worried I may be next.
Untactful answer from Tom: My Company is in a good shape; in fact I may get a large bonus this year.
Comments: Here instead of consoling his friend, Tom is bragging about himself. Will Bob ever turn to Tom for solace and encouragement again?
When a friend behaves with insensitivity and empathy towards you, eventually your unconscious mind will reject him/her from the list of friends that you may want to turn to when in need of a shoulder to lean on.
A summary of insightful and considerate behavior:

Do’s:
1. Show some empathy.
2. Give some examples on the same level of severity (real or imaginary) to mitigate their worries.
3. Show them that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.
4. Try to argue that the negative situation they are currently in may turn out to be a blessing in disguise.

Don’t’s:
1. Don’t try to switch the focus from your friend’s needs to your successes.
2. Don’t try to teach your friend your ‘lessons’ when they are in the middle of a crisis, unless they are part of a solution.

Comment from a reader of the "Advice..." Column

Hi Moshe,

You struck a particularly tender nerve with this one, and gave some extraordinarily good advice. I've been dealing with a particular anger issue for a number of years; I think I'll try your advice and picture my ____ as a different person (....); certainly I am a different person.
thanks,

From the desk of Dr. Moshe Zloof: Advice of the week-- July 1, 2009

Who Are You When You Arrive at the Pearly Gates?

By Dr. Moshe Zloof

Most people at least once contemplate on what heaven and hell look like, but very few consider at what stage of their life will they arrive there. Is it the spoiled teenager, the macho young adult, the middle-aged caring parent, or the elderly person with dementia? Is the sickly person with dementia accountable for blunders and transgressions committed as a teenager or as an adult? I shall leave the answers to these questions to the theologians.

What I can do is to project the answers onto daily life here, emphasizing that people change significantly at various stages of their life, not only in appearance but also emotionally, spiritually and cognitively (thought, behavior and action). Once you are fully aware of that fact- which many people miss- life can be more enjoyable, since it is easier to deal with Anger, Hate, Guilt, and Forgiveness, thus “Detoxifying the mind from unnecessary Poisonous elements.”

Advice:

Reducing Anger and Hate

• Old anger: if you, like many of us, have been angry and holding grudges for many years, be it at a parent who favored your siblings, or at your children when they were young and got into trouble, or at your spouse for emotionally “scarring” you, then just realize that the person you are holding the grudge against does not “exist” anymore. He/she is now a different person, making it easier to erase the anger, or at the very least reduce it’s effect on you. Personally, for many years I was angry at my father for being too controlling as I was growing up, until I saw him frail and helpless after a heart attack. Many are still angry at their deceased parents, not realizing that they are only extending the hurt and bitterness to themselves. One must be a real masochist to do so!!
• New anger at old events: Often because you have changed, you may start to build new anger for events that took place a while back: a wife may realize that there was no reason for her to be subservient to a controlling husband, as she was weak at the time, thus building new resentment towards him. Here again, she has to realize that the husband that she is developing the new anger against is not the ‘same’ person who behaved negatively a while back. Maybe she should have been more assertive.
  
  Reducing Guilt
  
  Most guilt stems from the fact that you are angry at yourself for mistreating someone, cheating, or making “the wrong” decision and acting accordingly.
  
  Here, I suggest looking at a photograph of yourself at the time of the event that caused the guilt, then look into a mirror now. You will appreciate that you have changed and should not feel guilty and angry at yourself anymore.
  
  Forgiveness
  
  If you apply all the above points it becomes much easier to forgive yourself and others, relieving your mind from unnecessary poisonous elements that can prevent you from enjoying life to the fullest!

From the desk of Dr. Moshe Zloof: Advice of the week-- June 24, 2009

When In a Down-turn in your life,

Reinforce with Hope and Aspirations

By Dr. Moshe Zloof

When we feel good and our mind is occupied by happy thoughts, our brain releases dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin (the so called “happy drugs”). On the other hand, when we feel dejected, stressed and anxious, cortisol is released into our system, causing, among other things, ANTS (Automatic Negative Thoughts) to creep into our mind and exacerbate the condition. To remedy the situation and get some temporary relief, we need to “inject” positive thoughts that can cause a release of dopamine, improving one’s mood and reducing the haunting negativity.*

Since the unconscious brain does not distinguish between real or imaginary events, any positive events, real, imagined, past or present, adequately influence the chemistry of the brain to tip towards recovery. This is similar to the concept of Affirmation, when patients repeat out loud that they are getting better, and the brain in turn goes about actualizing those affirmations.

Advice

1. Limited day-dreaming: To switch the negative thoughts into positive ones you can embark, from time to time, on limited day dreaming, creating positive imaginary scenarios in your mind, which will consequently make you feel good. Personally, I like to play a record of a Violin Concerto, closing my eyes and imagining that I am the admired soloist. I am sure every one of you is creative enough to come up with your own ideas.Another suggestion that many people prefer is to get extra busy, shielding the negative thoughts that are trying to invade the conscious mind.
2. Reinforcing hope and future aspirations: Ordinarily each one of us has hopes and future aspirations. Poor people, for example, participate in lotteries more than the norm, to create a sliver of hope in their lives. When we are in a down turn we need to reinforce our hopes for the future in order to weather the storm.In some cases with limited amount of expense one can embark on a new venture that so far was in the back of ones mind. But please be careful not to cling to anything just because you are down.In addition, make sure you are not in denial, because there are so many vultures out there trying to convince you to pour more money in bogus ventures.
3. Blessing in disguise: Another way to induce positive thoughts is to consider that your situation may turn out to be a blessing in disguise, and often you need to work at it to accomplish it, like the laid off GM worker who learns a new profession and excels in it. ·

*If the condition of the subjects are more severe they need to consult a doctor, and perhaps the combination of medication and cognitive therapy will do the job.

Comments welcome

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Comment from a reader

This is a good one, Moshe. I'm working on this and adding the extra time has really made a difference in how I feel moment to moment.
thanks so much.

From the desk of Dr. Moshe Zloof: Advice of the week-- June 17, 009

The Anatomy of Tardiness

or the advantage of being on time

by

Dr. Moshe Zloof

Common perception is that it’s difficult to change one’s habits, particularly the tendency to persistent tardiness. The purpose of this week's advice is to chart the damage this pattern incurs on the mind and body, including the loss of precious time that can be used more productively.

The brain has two major centers, 1) the cognitive center (located at the prefrontal lobe), where we think, interpret,&nbs p;and make decisions, and 2) the emotional centers (located at the center of the brain) inducing fear, worry, anger, happiness and sadness. Both centers consume considerable amount of energy through blood flow to their corresponding locations.

When you are late to important events such as interviews, business meetings, court proceedings, or catching a flight, your fear and worry centers become overactive, depleting the flow in the Cognitive Centers by consuming extra amounts of blood flow (energy). This is why you lose focus and concentration. So instead of focusing on what you are going to say in your presentation after your landing, you are now worried and fearful about the consequences of missing the flight.
Even if you succeed to arrive on time, you have already wasted energy fretting about it instead of using the time creatively and productively to think about the issues at hand. Furthermore, this experience will continue to draw on your energy during the rest of the day, rendering you anxious and exhausted by the end of the day.

Frequent fear and worry result in a perpetual state of unrest and stress, which in the long run affect the Amygdale (center of fear), the adrenal gland, the heart, and making one prone to a number of physical infirmities.

Advice

If you have new motivation to correct the habit of tardiness, start slowly by giving yourself just 10-15 minutes more time than your normal schedule. As you realize the positive effect it is having on you, such as being less nervous and being able to use your time more productively, your system will eventually reprogram this habit into a more positive one.

From the Desk of Dr. Moshe Zloof: Advice of the week - June 10, 2009

Why most New Year Resolutions Fail
By

Dr. Moshe Zloof

New Year Resolutions can be broken down into two major categories:

1. Resolutions to change ones bad habits, such as to stop smoking, drinking, or over-eating.

2. Resolutions to set positive goals and milestones: I want to get my degree; I want to start an exercise or running program.

For a resolution to be carried out successfully, one needs the following basic elements:

· Clear and strong incentives: clear incentives are the most important ingredient for success; to lose 20 lbs. if it guarantees a role in a movie is stronger incentive than wanting to lose 20 lbs. just to feel good.

· Will power: Strong incentives produce strong will power each time you need it during the process, such as exercising will power not to drink at a bar if you are trying to stop drinking.

· Visualization: To reinforce the will power always visualize the outcome of a successful resolution; if your goal is to run a marathon, then at difficult moments, visualize the feeling of elation as you cross the finish line.

· Commitment: You also need to commit the time, effort and expenses required to accomplish your goals.

· Program: For most serious resolutions you need to follow a clear and tested program, whether it’s a procedure for dieting described in a book, or joining a running group such as ‘San Jose Fit.’

Advice

· One resolution at a time: It was recently shown in psychological studies that that will power requires cognitive mental effort that affects one’s concentration and focus. Therefore you should concentrate on only one resolution at a time, preferably when on vacation. This is when the mind is relatively free of stress and capable of dealing with annoying temptations and disturbances.

· Take baby steps: It was also shown that will power, like falling in love, cannot be sustained for a long period of time. 95% of dieters who lose considerable amount weight in a short period regain it all back in a year’s time, because they lose their will power. You need to take baby steps and lose gradually, say 1 lb a month, or reduce one cigarette each week, so your system gets used to the new homeostatic state where will power is not needed all the time.

· Setbacks and relapses are ok: you have to realize that relapses are part of the process, and when that occurs don’t give up easily. Start again and learn from the experience.

· Seek positive feedback: And finally, seeking positive feedback from family and friends is important to refresh your incentives and will power, guaranteeing ultimate success!


Dr Zloof offers one-to-one coaching or group workshops using his unique techniques in MindVisualizer tm. One complimentary one-to-one coaching session or group session is available.

Email mzloof@aol.com

Comments and discussion welcomed:
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From the Desk of Dr. Moshe Zloof. Advice of the week - for June 2, 2009

Criticism: Whether Constructive or Destructive is in the Eyes of the Beholder!

By

Dr. Moshe Zloof

Criticism or advice spans a wide range of areas: from advice on how to change one's habits (normally given by spouses), to critiquing a person's creative work. We often find ourselves either subject to criticism or doling out criticism.

A noteworthy fact is that there is a thin line between advice, constructive criticism, and destructive criticism. All that depends on who is criticizing or advising and who is receiving the advice. I am quite certain that many of you encountered situations whereby you tried to help someone through constructive criticism, yet it was rejected and construed negatively. The reasons for that are many, but I’ll just mention a few:

1. Our habits and opinions are ‘programmed’ in our brain, and naturally any advice that tries to ‘reprogram’ any of them is going to be scornfully dismissed--at least initially. Imagine someone suggesting you change the way you tie your shoe laces.
2. When advice or criticism intrude on one's turf, such as the mother who tells her daughter how to run her household and bring up the children.
3. When one is suffering from low self-esteem due to a temporary set back, like going through a mid-life crisis, she /he is extremely sensitive to any criticism or suggestions. The brain has a ‘protective mechanism’ to reject negative criticism when one is anxious or depressed and often switches to a denial mode!
   
   Advice to the Receiver of the Criticism
   

• Theoretically, criticism of any kind should always be welcomed, even if we think it is inappropriate or demeaning; we can learn something from it.
• Advice and criticism forge our character and improve the quality of our work, and often bringing us back to reality.
• Avoid the premature exposure of your creative work to criticism, because it can have a devastating effect--to the point of making you give up, if the criticism is too harsh.
  You should always thank the people who criticize you, even if you initially reject it in your mind, especially if it comes from a loving supportive person.
• One should realize that sometimes people give advice for their own gratification, to feel important and needed, as may be the case of "motherly" advice.
• Don’t dismiss or draw conclusions too early. Sleep on it to allow your brain to ‘reprogram’ itself; you may yet reap a benefit from the advice. At this point it is appropriate to let the criticizer know that you appreciate the advice.
  
  Advice to the Criticizer
  
• When you give constructive criticism that may be construed as negative, be sure to 'pad' it with a positive opening, as they do in many cultures: ‘I am not here to criticize you but…”or “don’t take it the wrong way, I am just trying to help…”
• When criticizing people who are going through a critical phase, do it only if it's going to benefit them. Go easy, and don't be too critical.

Dr Zloof offers one-to-one coaching or group workshops using his unique techniques in MindVisualizer tm. A 30-minute complimentary session one-to-one coaching or group session is available. Email dr.zloof@gmail.com

Comments and discussion welcomed:

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July 4 N'Light'N

MindVisualizertm Presentations on July 4th N'Light'N Festival in Los Angeles, CA.

Comments from a reader

Thanks for the advice. Your coloring idea is very useful as well as poetic and inspiring. For example, a sunny spring day when flowers bloom and birds sing can lift up the spirits while a gloomy, cloudy day can have the opposite effect on most people, that is why I think that your idea of “coloring” one’s day is really important.

I have noticed that elated feelings are possible anywhere, following your suggestions, particularly in the Southern States of the US where people are more polite,friendly and warmer not only to each other but to strangers as well. As you suggest it is rewarding and heart warming to meet somebody one does not know and feel a friendly emotion, whether it is kindness, appreciation or even gratitude if it so happens and somebody is helpful without thinking of any reward just plain human outreach.

Maybe if more people were aware of the good feelings friendliness offers we would live in a better place. Would be really beneficial to the whole world to take your advice to heart.

From the Desk of Dr. Moshe Zloof, Advice of the week for May 27 09

Lighten Up Your Day with ‘Slivers of Empowerment’

By

Dr. Moshe Zloof

Recent research in happiness has shown that statistically most people are happier giving than receiving. Giving does not necessarily mean handing out money or material objects, but can be mental or spiritual giving. I am sure many of you have experienced the elated feeling when mentoring and empowering someone, watching the positive effect it has on them, be it your children, your students, or your employees.

Empowerment need not only be a long term process. We can all lighten up our daily lives by throwing ‘slivers of empowerment’ at every person we meet, a friend, a cashier, a waitress, people we encounter on planes, or on the hiking trail. In MindVisualizertm we refer to this process as turning a neutral and boring event (depicted by a small blue ball) into a positive sometimes even exciting one (depicted by a yellow ball); that may lighten up your moment and the moment of the receiver.

Advice: To lighten up your day you should be constantly aware of people around you and always be ready to approach them to brighten their day. It’s the little things in life that make the difference. Some examples of what I've done:

• If a cashier in the supermarket is fast, tell him how impressed you are with their speed, thus positively affecting the pride in his job.
• If a waitress is doing a great job, praise her in front of her boss. In my case I pick a small black book (that I always carry) and I scribble her name in it declaring that she earned to be the waitress of the month!
• I always try to compliment people on their appearance, clothing, hair style, demeanor, posture etc.
• On planes, or in doctor’s office---instead of reading a magazine or solving Sudoku puzzles —take the opportunity to engage in conversation with people sitting next to you and try to brighten their moment. You will find fascination and learning experience in talking to strangers about their issues, background, culture, passion, etc.

In Short, interacting with people can be a tremendous source of energy and help you ‘color’ your day. Initially you may have make a conscious effort to engage strangers in conversation, but after a while- as it happened to me and others- it will become second nature, ‘hardwired’ into your system.

From the desk of Dr. Moshe Zloof, Advice of the week for May 20, 2009

Suggestions to Help Reduce Your Suffering in Times of Crisis

By Dr. Moshe Zloof

Life, as we all know, is like a roller coaster with many ups and downs. Sometimes circumstances, along with bad luck, can propel a person into a state of crisis. While some people can deal with rough situations better than others, it still takes its toll in the form of worries, anxieties, and stress -- the mind is constantly being invaded by Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs). This further magnifies the suffering, affecting one’s mood and behavior.

Advice: To alleviate some of the distress, I suggest

1. Use past ‘Points of Reference’ Each time ANT enters your mind, make an effort to replace it by a positive one, such as recalling how you overcame a similar experience in the past--a point of reference--or how others dealt successfully with similar situations.
2. Divide up the problems that are causing the worries. If you share your life with a spouse or a partner, try to divide the issues so that each one of you deals only with part of them. For example, if one loses his/her job, causing financial hardship, then one spouse can focus and worry about finding a job, while the other deals with the family finances. But, most importantly, don’t point fingers at each other -- it will just drain your energies even more.
3. Consider worst and best case scenarios to make you feel better; think that the situation could have been worse, and imagine a positive outcome that will perhaps turn out to be a Blessing in Disguise.
4. Use your support system. Don’t be shy in asking for advice from family members and friends. It is okay to spill your guts out once or twice to in order to get good advice. Just be careful not to overdo it. You don't want to become an ‘Energy Vampire’.

Comments:

• Part II of last week will be sent out in the near future.
• If you need any private coaching or want to attend a Visual Workshop on MindVisualizer, email Dr. Zloof at mzloof@aol.com.

From the Desk of Dr. Moshe Zloof. Advice of the week - for May 13, 2009

If you are trying to impress, are they indeed being impressed??

By Dr. Moshe Zloof

Today’s fast life style of competition propels some to flaunt their "success" through material acquisitions. Instead of appropriating a portion of their income to savings and careful investing, they spend it frivolously on various consumer products like luxury cars (Mercedes, BMW), expensive vacations, or designer clothes, just to impress their friends, neighbors, and family members. In doing so, they are overlooking many factors that should be carefully examined:·

• The friends, who can guess at their income bracket, will not only be unimpressed, but they may resent them and view them in a negative light as non-responsible people. · In no way will these same friends help them financially, should that need occur sometime in the future--not after watching them squandering money irresponsibly. ·
• The burden of the excessive monthly payments can take a psychological toll on their families, especially in time of recession when one is constantly worried about losing his/ her job. In many cases family members feel drained, develop severe anxieties, and new marital problems

Advice:

Unless you are independently wealthy, or the price of a luxurious life style does not affect your financial status, try to restrain yourself from trying to impress others except yourself.

First strive to achieve solid financial security and then financial independence.

Once that is accomplished then you have the luxury to spend on your dream purchases. ·

Also, try to ignore what the marketing machinery of our society is trying to instill in us, namely the monthly payment mentality: “The car costs only $199.00 a month....the TV costs $89.00 a month;” figure out if you can afford the true price of the product, often hidden by the salesperson.

From the desk of Dr. Moshe Zloof: Advice of the week-- April 22, 09)

‘Scars’ (Part II). How to deal with existing ‘Emotional Scars’
By Dr. Moshe Zloof

Last week’s advice dealt with: how to avoid inflicting new ‘Emotional Scars’ on loved ones and friends (By preemptively thinking about them before a serious discussion—see advice for April 15)

The question now arises: how to deal with existing scars that accumulated in your system throughout the years, eroding some of the love and respect you had for each other, because whenever they surface in your mind, they cause resentment, anger and perhaps bitterness.

Although it is true that Emotional Scars cannot be erased, you can reduce their effect with the proper attitude, willingness, and training, and regain some of the strong relationship and feelings you initially had for each other.
First I define a new term: “Positive Imprints,” the antonym of Emotional Scars. Couples normally leave ‘Positive imprints’ at the beginning of relationship like: you are the most confident guy I have ever encountered, or you are the smartest woman I have ever dated.

Advice I
“Mental Shield’: by creating a “mental shield” around your space of consciousness, you can deflect memories of scars that try to invade your awareness and replace them with ‘positive imprints’ from your past, perhaps when you were first dating.
[In MindVisualizer we train people to use a “visual shield” to let one deflect scars and ANTs (automatic negative thoughts); it has been very effective for many.]

Advice II
If, in spite of the shield, a memory of a scar or a grudge still invades your awareness, try to mitigate its damage by finding a justification or explanation: ‘My wife was so worried about me being unemployed that she called me a lazy bum, believing it will help me be more serious about looking for a job, or I held a grudge against someone and I now realize that I was at fault!

In summary, by deflecting or reinterpreting scars that accumulated over the course of many years, you can, in time, patiently restore the positive feelings you used to have towards your spouse; and who knows, you may even find yourself in love again!!

The above short article is part of the MindVisualizer model. In the model we show how these concepts are depicted graphically, so you can remember and apply to your daily life.

From the Desk of Dr. Moshe Zloof - April 15, 2009

Be careful when you inflict permanent “Scars” on loved ones and friends
By Dr. Moshe Zloof


It is a well known statistics that the number one factor for divorcing couples are the ‘emotional Scars’ they inflict on each other. Many times in the heat of an argument, that develops into a nasty fight,20it become a ‘contest’ who can hurt the other the most, and they use statements that have been “hovering” around their space of consciousness ready to be spilled out on the other person such as “you are a lazy bum, and will never get a new job’ or, ‘you are the worst mother that I have ever seen’.

It is important to note that the person who inflict the “scar” easily forgets what he/ she said, because after all they are not the scarred ones, but the spouse who was inflicted, never forgets it no matter how many times the other party apologizes, and it stays in their system=2 0as a ‘wound’ becoming part of their ANTs (Automatic negative thoughts), cycling in their mind and crop out to the surface whenever they feel down or depressed.

We as parents are often also to blame for many “Scars” we uninten tionally inflict on our children, thinking it will teach them a lesson, but in fact the effect is the opposite. If you tell a child “you will never make it because you are lazy” thinking that he is going to change his habits. This statement will most likely follow him/her the rest of their adult life.

Advice

Prior to approaching your spouse or your children for a serious talk that may evolve into a nasty argument or a fight, make a list in your mind of the statements that are hovering over your space of consciousness tempted to be spilled out in the heat of an argument, and be aware of their irrevocable damage they may cause. Recite them and swear to yourself that you will not use them even if your spouse inflict on you worst malicious statements. This way you will be the leader in taking the initiative to show restraint and in time they will rec iprocate by applying similar restraint.

With children both parents must be extra careful because the child’s mind is still under development and the damage can be imprinted deep into their brain. Try not to say anything negative and demeaning because statistics show that negative approach of put downs never work, but rather try encouraging empowering language.

The above article is part of The Preemptive Principle of the MindVisulizer Model.

From the desk of Dr. Moshe Zloof: Advice of the week-- April 8, 09)

Spreading rumors by prematurely "connecting the dots" - By Dr. Moshe Zloof

Images are not always what they seem, so if you jump to conclusions in error and start discussing them, you may be spreading false rumors. Example: A man with dark glasses, a dog and a stick approaches you. As your eyes take in the details, your brain "connects the dots" and you draw the conclusion that the man must be blind. Iimmediately, empathy and emotions relating to the blind are evoked. Upon second look, however, you are amazed to discover that the man is not blind, but rather a dog walker enjoying a sunny day. The stick you mistook for a cane is really a pooper scooper. How could you make such a mistake!

Our brains are wired to "connect the dots" by comparing new scenes or images to something familiar in our memory bank. We try to make sense of our current surroundings through past experiences. Our emotional perspective also factors into how we connect the dots.

Example: You spy a married, middle-aged woman kissing a younger man outside of a hotel. You realize that you know her and happen to dislike her based on a past encounters. Your negative emotions for her, combined with the kiss you witnessed and the location leads your brain to wrongly connect the dots and conclude that this woman is having an affair. But you are wrong! In fact, the young man happens to be her son, not her lover!

Although you may be very certain about what you have seen, your interpretation may be inaccurate based on you past experiences or negative emotions. The above examples demonstrate how rumors can be fabricated in error and spread, potentially causing irrevocable harm.

Advice: When you only have partial data at your disposal, don't let your brain play tricks on you and wrongly connect the dots. Avoid drawing conclusions, especially when you are biased against someone. And, even if you do draw the wrong conclusion, keep it to yourself and don't spread it around until you are 100% sure of all of the facts. This happens a lot when people draw premature conclusions: on a blind date after a bad previous date experiences, or even something your spouse did that you took the wrong way and consequently started a fight.

This weekly ADVICE is part of the MindVisualizer TM program. MindVisualizer TM advice is represented by a visual picture so you can better remember.