From the desk of Dr. Moshe Zloof: Advice of the week-- April 22, 09)

‘Scars’ (Part II). How to deal with existing ‘Emotional Scars’
By Dr. Moshe Zloof

Last week’s advice dealt with: how to avoid inflicting new ‘Emotional Scars’ on loved ones and friends (By preemptively thinking about them before a serious discussion—see advice for April 15)

The question now arises: how to deal with existing scars that accumulated in your system throughout the years, eroding some of the love and respect you had for each other, because whenever they surface in your mind, they cause resentment, anger and perhaps bitterness.

Although it is true that Emotional Scars cannot be erased, you can reduce their effect with the proper attitude, willingness, and training, and regain some of the strong relationship and feelings you initially had for each other.
First I define a new term: “Positive Imprints,” the antonym of Emotional Scars. Couples normally leave ‘Positive imprints’ at the beginning of relationship like: you are the most confident guy I have ever encountered, or you are the smartest woman I have ever dated.

Advice I
“Mental Shield’: by creating a “mental shield” around your space of consciousness, you can deflect memories of scars that try to invade your awareness and replace them with ‘positive imprints’ from your past, perhaps when you were first dating.
[In MindVisualizer we train people to use a “visual shield” to let one deflect scars and ANTs (automatic negative thoughts); it has been very effective for many.]

Advice II
If, in spite of the shield, a memory of a scar or a grudge still invades your awareness, try to mitigate its damage by finding a justification or explanation: ‘My wife was so worried about me being unemployed that she called me a lazy bum, believing it will help me be more serious about looking for a job, or I held a grudge against someone and I now realize that I was at fault!

In summary, by deflecting or reinterpreting scars that accumulated over the course of many years, you can, in time, patiently restore the positive feelings you used to have towards your spouse; and who knows, you may even find yourself in love again!!

The above short article is part of the MindVisualizer model. In the model we show how these concepts are depicted graphically, so you can remember and apply to your daily life.