From the Desk of Dr. Moshe Zloof - April 15, 2009

Be careful when you inflict permanent “Scars” on loved ones and friends
By Dr. Moshe Zloof


It is a well known statistics that the number one factor for divorcing couples are the ‘emotional Scars’ they inflict on each other. Many times in the heat of an argument, that develops into a nasty fight,20it become a ‘contest’ who can hurt the other the most, and they use statements that have been “hovering” around their space of consciousness ready to be spilled out on the other person such as “you are a lazy bum, and will never get a new job’ or, ‘you are the worst mother that I have ever seen’.

It is important to note that the person who inflict the “scar” easily forgets what he/ she said, because after all they are not the scarred ones, but the spouse who was inflicted, never forgets it no matter how many times the other party apologizes, and it stays in their system=2 0as a ‘wound’ becoming part of their ANTs (Automatic negative thoughts), cycling in their mind and crop out to the surface whenever they feel down or depressed.

We as parents are often also to blame for many “Scars” we uninten tionally inflict on our children, thinking it will teach them a lesson, but in fact the effect is the opposite. If you tell a child “you will never make it because you are lazy” thinking that he is going to change his habits. This statement will most likely follow him/her the rest of their adult life.

Advice

Prior to approaching your spouse or your children for a serious talk that may evolve into a nasty argument or a fight, make a list in your mind of the statements that are hovering over your space of consciousness tempted to be spilled out in the heat of an argument, and be aware of their irrevocable damage they may cause. Recite them and swear to yourself that you will not use them even if your spouse inflict on you worst malicious statements. This way you will be the leader in taking the initiative to show restraint and in time they will rec iprocate by applying similar restraint.

With children both parents must be extra careful because the child’s mind is still under development and the damage can be imprinted deep into their brain. Try not to say anything negative and demeaning because statistics show that negative approach of put downs never work, but rather try encouraging empowering language.

The above article is part of The Preemptive Principle of the MindVisulizer Model.